How to Make the Emotional Transition to Egg Donation

If you have always dreamed of conceiving and carrying your own baby, it can be devastating to be told by your fertility doctor that the best course of action may be to pursue an egg donor instead. There is true, palpable grief that comes along with infertility. No one will expect you to simply “be ready” to jump into using an egg donor to start your family. Instead, give yourself the space to go through some of the following steps in order to ease your transition to using an egg donor to start your family.

Give yourself time to grieve

It’s okay to take some time after learning of your need to rely on egg donation to start your family—there’s no need to jump right into the process. You may very well be surprised by this information, or even angry and frustrated. You might be eager to simply jump back into the family-building process without examining these feelings—and you might be ready to do just that. But it can take time to grieve the type of family you originally had in mind for yourself before you are truly ready to start again in earnest. And there’s nothing wrong with giving yourself space to process those feelings.

Seek counseling and support

It’s important to remember that you are not alone! Millions of people struggle with infertility each and every year—and many women have had to recalibrate their expectations as they turn to egg donation. Seeking out online or in-person support groups can help you process some of the feelings you are having about egg donation. You may also want to consider finding a therapist who specializes in family planning and infertility. Your surrogacy agency or fertility clinic should have connections to counselors they can recommend. You should also seek the confidence and support of your friends and loved ones—though there is an unfortunate societal taboo associated with discussing issues of infertility, it can be incredibly helpful to let your loved ones know what you are going through. Often, you may find that those close to you have had similar experiences.

Ask yourself some tough questions

It may not be an easy shift towards learning that you will need to rely on an egg donor to start your family—you might have a lot of questions, fears, or assumptions that you’ll need to process beforehand. Some intended parents who use donors are afraid that they won’t feel a connection to a child they are not biologically connected to. Some might worry about what it will mean to introduce a third party, the egg donor, into your family planning process. Others might want to give serious consideration to other family planning options, like adoption, or maybe even reassess their plans for parenthood. Some intended parents feel “bad” for these thoughts or feelings, but they are perfectly natural. It will be part of the healing process to examine these types of questions before you are ready to transition to using an egg donor.

Think of the qualities you want in an egg donor

Once you have thought through and are more comfortable with egg donation, a good step towards starting the process is to think through some of the qualities that are important to you. For instance, it might make sense to find a donor that closely matches your physical characteristics or ethnic background. But you may even find it important to look for other qualities as well, such as a similar educational background or interests. Of course, the more specific requests you have, the longer it may take to find a donor that matches them perfectly—but that shouldn’t stop you and your partner from identifying the qualities that are most important to you.