How to Talk to Your Child About Surrogacy

Surrogacy is a wonderful way to form your family. However, it’s important to talk with your child born via gestational surrogacy with sensitivity and openness to make sure they understand and are proud of, the family-building process that brought them into the world. Here are some considerations to keep in mind when discussing surrogacy with your child.

• Start young: Speaking with your children about surrogacy from a very young age will help ensure they are never shocked to learn about the process that brought them into the world. If children grow up knowing how their family was formed, there will never be an opportunity where them to be surprised or shocked to learn about the information.
• Speak with children in an age-appropriate way: As children born via surrogacy grow up, their understanding of the surrogacy process will evolve and grow, too. It’s important to speak with children in an age-appropriate Very young children don’t need to know the intricacies of IVF to understand the family-building process, for instance. Once your child is old enough to understand genetics and reproduction, you can explain the surrogacy process in a more nuanced way.
• Explain why you chose surrogacy to start your family: Your child may not be old enough to understand all of the many details that go into a successful surrogacy journey. But children from a very young age will be able to understand and relate to your desire to form a family—and know that surrogacy was the way that you were able to bring your child into the world. Speak with your children in an age-appropriate manner about why it was important to you to pursue this family-building
• Talk about the people involved: Explain to your child that many people were involved in forming your family. You can speak of each member of your “team,” including your surrogate, donors, and other professionals, that helped bring them into the world.
• Encourage questions: You may not always be able to anticipate the questions or concerns your child will have about how they were conceived. Make sure your children know that no question is off limits—and are encouraged! Checking in with your child every so often about the subject is a good way to make sure they feel comfortable coming to you with questions.
• Form a community: Visibility is important for all children. It can help your child understand and be proud of their birth story if they have the opportunity to meet and connect with other children brought into the world via surrogacy. There are many communities online and in-person that can help connect you to other families like yours. Participating in meet-ups or scheduling play dates with other surrogate families is a good way to help foster this community.
• Consider connecting with your surrogate and donor: While it will be your choice whether to keep your surrogate and donor anonymous, your child will naturally be curious about the people who helped bring them into the world. Maintaining some form of contact with your surrogate and donors can help dispel the mystery around these important people. This contact can take many forms, from frequent in-person visits to simple messages on birthdays and important holidays.
• Be prepared for a range of emotions: Your child will likely have a range of emotions as they learn about surrogacy—which will evolve and change over time. It’s important to validate whatever your child is feeling.
• Find children’s books about surrogacy: With surrogacy growing in popularity as a family-building option, there are more books each and every year that help explain surrogacy to children of various ages. Some popular options include The Kangaroo Pouch: A Story about Surrogacy for Young Children and Sophia’s Broken Crayons: A Story of Surrogacy from a Young Child’s Perspective.