Top Questions Kids Have About Surrogacy

It’s a good idea to speak with children from a very young age about the surrogacy process—so that it never comes as a surprise or shock to them. Still, children are naturally curious and will have plenty of questions for you about what it means to be from a family created through surrogacy. These questions will also likely evolve and change as your children get older and come to understand the process more thoroughly. But here are some of the most common questions your child might ask you about surrogacy—as well as some ways to think about responding.

What is surrogacy?

Even if you explain surrogacy to children frequently, from the time they are young, they may still want you to remind them. Developing age-appropriate language to respond to this question is the best course of action. When your children are young, you can use simpler language to help describe the process. You might say something along the lines of this: “When two people can’t have a baby on their own, someone called a ‘surrogate’ will carry the baby for them.” As your children become older, and come to learn about family planning, your descriptions can get gradually more detailed and sophisticated. The important point is to never shy away from answering this question whenever it comes up.

How do you know our surrogate?

 Children might end up having questions about the arrangement you had with your surrogate—including where she came from and how you met. Again, it’s best to answer these questions directly, simply, and in an age-appropriate manner. You can leave out the thorough matching process that you likely went through—and instead, explain that an agency helped find you a surrogate who was special and meant just for your family.

Is my surrogate my “real” mom?

 There may well come a time when your children wonder if their surrogate is their “mom.” This question may be particularly common for male same-sex couples but can arise for heterosexual couples as well. These types of questions can be painful for intended parents, but it’s important not to make your child feel bad about the inquiry. Instead, simply remind your child of who a surrogate is: she is not your mom or parent—in fact, she has her own family! Instead, she is a very special person who helps out when other parents can’t have children on their own.

Is my egg or sperm donor my “real” parent?

If you relied on an egg or sperm donor, your child may also have many questions about this aspect of their birth story as well. It’s important to communicate early and often to your child that biology is not what makes a family—but rather love and familial ties. If your egg or sperm donor is from a known source, or in your life, it can help you put a “face” to the person who helped bring them into the world. If not, you can still explain how donors, like surrogates, are people who help others have children.

How do they put the baby in the surrogate?

As your child develops some sort of understanding of how babies are made more generally, they might begin to wonder how the process worked to create their own families. It can be complicated to explain the intricacies of IVF and reproductive technologies to a child. So instead, you might want to keep it simple. Explain that it takes a bit of a man and a bit of a woman to create a baby—but that other people can carry that baby for you if you need help.