What Kind of Relationship Should I Have with My Surrogate?

Every surrogacy journey is unique—and that includes the varied types of relationships that exist between intended parents and their gestational carriers. A surrogacy journey is emotional for all involved, and the process often leaves intended parents and surrogates with a unique, close relationship that maintains long after the birth of a child. However, other intended parents maintain little to no contact with their gestational carriers throughout the pregnancy and afterward.

It’s important to know that there is no right or wrong type of relationship between intended parents and carriers—you will need to find the arrangement that works best for you! A reputable surrogacy agency, in fact, will screen both intended parents and surrogates on this exact question. It’s important to match intended parents and surrogates, in part, on the type and amount of contact each party desires to avoid any difficulties during the pregnancy, and afterward.

Building a relationship with your surrogate before and during pregnancy

Surrogates are altruistic people who are eager to help others from their families. Many also enjoy building personal relationships with the families they are helping to create and prefer at least semi-regular communication with their intended parents. You do not necessarily need to become close friends with your surrogate (though many intended parents do!) But it is helpful for intended parents to go out of their way to check in on their carrier.

It’s important to remember that your relationship with your surrogate is not purely transactional. Your surrogate will have been closely screened to ensure she is fit to carry a surrogate pregnancy—but pregnancy is still an incredibly intense experience, both physically and emotionally. A surrogate pregnancy, moreover, comes with additional challenges that others lack. Prior to pregnancy, for instance, your surrogate will also undergo hormone treatments to prime her body for the embryo transfer, which can sometimes prove challenging for her and her family. Checking in on your surrogate’s wellbeing prior to the embryo transfer, and throughout her pregnancy, is an easy way to show you understand the sacrifice she is making for you.

For the vast majority of intended parents and surrogates, a relationship forms between the parties very naturally. Most intended parents are eager to know how the pregnancy is progressing and will check in on their carriers to see how they and their baby are doing at regular intervals. This communication can take many forms, including in-person visits,  video chats, texts, emails, and more. You and your surrogate can discuss what type of communication works best for you, and how frequently you hope to receive it.

Maintaining a relationship with your surrogate after the birth of your baby

There is no requirement to maintain a relationship with your surrogate following the birth of your baby. The post-birth relationship between intended parents and surrogates can take many forms. Some become very close friends with one another or even consider each other family. Others prefer to mostly go their separate ways once the formal surrogacy arrangement comes to a close. Again, there is no right or wrong answer—and you can be matched with a carrier whose preferences align with your own.

Regardless of the type of relationship you decide to pursue with your surrogate, it’s important to keep in mind that the days following the birth of your baby will be emotional for everyone involved. After a long, overwhelming, and expensive journey, you will finally be taking your baby home, and settling into the happy but chaotic days that all new parents experience. However, your surrogate will also have just undergone childbirth, a major medical procedure. Childbirth comes with a hormone surge, followed by many weeks or even months of recovery. Following up with your surrogate during these early days post-birth is an easy way to show you are thinking of her, and are thankful for the gift she has provided you.

Some intended parents initially fear that their surrogate will form an unhealthy attachment to the baby they carry. While many surrogates view the children they carry fondly, remember that in gestational surrogacy she will have no biological or legal ties to your child. She has her own family and life to think of, and will not pose a threat to you and yours simply because she carried the child for you. Still, most surrogates at least appreciate the opportunity to meet the baby she has carried for you. This moment can provide your surrogate with an important sense of closure. Small gestures, such as allowing your carrier to hold the baby for a moment, or taking a picture together she can keep, can go a long way towards showing your appreciation to your surrogate.

Again, most intended parents and surrogates find they build a relationship with one another very naturally. Many decide to continue their relationship well after birth. Some will come to view their surrogates as close friends, or even as “part of the family.” Even if you decide to not maintain a super close relationship with one another, sending an occasional photo of your family, and checking in with her on holidays or birthdays, is another way you can easily honor the important role she played in helping you form your family.