What Questions Should I Ask my Surrogate Before a Match?

After your surrogacy agency “matches” you with a gestational carrier, you’ll be invited to have a conversation with one another. Your surrogacy agency should have done a thorough job ensuring that you and your surrogate are well-matched well before this conversation—but it is still essential that you make sure, for yourself, that the fit is right before you enter into a contract. Here are some questions to get the ball rolling: 

What made you want to become a surrogate?

Contrary to popular opinion, the women who become surrogates are not in it for the money—many of them have deeply personal stories and surprising sources of inspiration for wanting to help others start their families. For instance, many surrogates have LGBTQ family members or friends who have struggled to become parents and want to help smooth the path to parenthood for other members of the queer community. Other surrogates may be interested in helping those who struggle with infertility. Others are just altruistically minded. Regardless of her particular motives, you will likely be touched and interested in her reasons to take such a major step in her life.

How does your family feel about your decision to become a surrogate?

All gestational carriers must have already carried a child to term, so most are actively raising their own families. Reputable surrogacy agencies interview family members to ensure they are on onboard with the journey—which will impact them too, after all. It is still a good idea for you to get a feel of your surrogate’s family and their perspective on the process. More often than not, families will be very supportive of the decision. In fact, many intended parents become very close to not only their surrogate but their families as well.

How involved can I be in your pregnancy?

 Intended parents choose many different levels of involvement in their surrogate’s journey—which more often than not is determined by distance. Many intended parents choose to travel multiple times throughout the pregnancy as well so they can be involved. Others may only see their surrogate in person a handful of times. You should speak with your gestational carrier about her preferences and make sure they align with your own. Most often, surrogates prefer you to be as involved throughout the process as you’d like, but it’s important to set expectations early.

How much contact do you want after the birth of our child? 

Many intended parents maintain contact with their gestational carriers following the birth of their child—but the level of that involvement varies widely. Some choose to stay intimately involved in each other’s lives, and might even choose to repeat a second surrogacy together later. Others, meanwhile, may only send occasional photos or interact with each other through social media. There is no right or wrong answer to this question, and the outcome may evolve organically. But it is important to know your surrogate’s initial preferences at the outset of your journey.

How do you feel about carrying multiples?

Sometimes intended parents want to transfer more than one embryo during an IVF procedure in the hopes of having twins. While that might be an exciting prospect for you, carrying multiple fetuses at the same time can complicate a pregnancy. It will be important to discuss this eventuality with your gestational carrier prior to entering into a contract with her. You may not force her to make any decision that impacts her body in a way she is not comfortable with. If she only wishes to transfer one embryo at a time, but you have your heart set on twins, then you’ll need to find a new carrier who is comfortable with this idea. Again, a good surrogacy agency should only match you with a surrogate who aligns with your preferences. But it is good practice to ask her yourself.

How do you feel about working with LGBTQ-intended parents?

 If you are part of the LGBTQ community, your surrogacy agency should go well out of its way to ensure the surrogate they present you with is not just “friendly” towards the queer community—but excited about working with a queer couple or person. In fact, many surrogacy agencies work with lots of gay men and couples and vet all surrogate candidates on their views towards the LGBTQ community. Still, you will want to hear about your surrogate and her family’s views for yourself.