When Surrogacy Is Not Your First Choice: Experiences with Infertility

Infertility is an incredibly common problem across the world—one that impacts millions of people In fact, the World Health Organization (WHO) estimates that infertility affects approximately 12-15% of couples worldwide. And as many as one in eight couples struggle with infertility, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).

Fortunately, with advancements in reproductive technologies, many couples that would never have been able to conceive their own biological children a generation ago are now able to. Surrogacy is among the important modern-day options available to people who have experienced surrogacy to start their families. However, many people struggle for years to conceive on their own, or with the help of other types of advanced reproductive technologies, before they turn to surrogacy. While surrogacy is now a wonderful option, this doesn’t simply erase the emotional and painful journey that brings many people to ultimately pursue this family planning option.

If you struggled for many years to conceive on your own prior to turning to surrogacy, it’s important to take stock of that loss—infertility can cause severe distress in those who experience it. You or your partner might have had your heart set on becoming a biological parent, but have had to turn to a donor for your surrogacy journey. You or your partner may have also looked forward to carrying and delivering a child, and will now need to forgo that experience. It’s okay to have complicated feelings about surrogacy, given some of the realities that brought you here. But it’s important to recognize these feelings—and speak openly and honestly about them.

You will want to ensure you have a good support system in place as you turn your thoughts to surrogacy. You may well have already sought out the help of a therapist or social worker to help you process experiences around infertility. If so, you may consider maintaining that part of your support system throughout your surrogacy journey as well. If not, you might consider looking for a therapist to help. There are also lots of great forums and groups online with members who will have had similar experiences with infertility before they turned to surrogacy. Your surrogacy agency should be able to point you to some good options. Your support system should also include your loved ones. Many people decide to keep their struggle with infertility in private, but it’s important to lean on your friends and family as you turn your thoughts to surrogacy.

As you begin researching surrogacy, also keep this in mind: it’s okay to take a break before you begin. This is particularly true if you think you are not quite emotionally ready to jump back into your family planning process. Sometimes it can be helpful to turn your attention elsewhere for a short period prior to embarking on a surrogacy journey.

Surrogacy is a truly wonderful way to start your family. But it’s important to honor the experiences that brought you to surrogacy, and be patient with yourself throughout your journey—surrogacy, too, can be an overwhelming and emotional process. But it is one that has helped thousands of couples who struggled to conceive on their own start their families.